Tuesday, January 3, 2017

I can be your home



I haven't confided in anyone, nor did I explain in detail to anyone why we decided that things would be better this way. Would anyone have listened? Or rather, would anyone have truly understood?

Right now I feel like something's been taken away from me. I always know that after awhile I would feel nothing.. Like the gutted pieces of me will somehow go back in place. This time, I don't. Sometimes I turn around to smile at him while he smiles back; I feel like we're better off this way, and I'm glad I agreed with this decision. Honestly, there's nothing I can do other than to respect the decision of another person. Not like I can point a gun to his/her head? Not like I want to anyway. But sometimes when I turn around to smile and look at him it makes me want to push and break everything in my way, and walk over to kiss him. Like I want to burn all my books and possessions, go on a rampage and destroy the city until I feel the slightest calm in my head and heart. I could hardly believe how hard and fast I fell. Every time you let me discover something about you, even the things people normally wouldn't like, I go 'oh my god. you're perfect for me.' I've never met anyone quite like him. Never really expect I will either.

What exactly am I chasing here? Are you even there for me to grasp? I know how pointless it is to ask someone to stay because of you. I know it isn't the right thing. But all I want to do is ask/say it. I never felt at home anywhere, I've said that countless of times to everyone. You feel like home to me. But I can be your home too. I want to be your home. I'm not being dramatic for the sake of. This is one of the greatest loss and regret of my life. You've made me realized how important it is to focus on the present instead of the future, and how important time is as well as how fast it passes.

I will never be the same again. For better and for worse.

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