Sunday, December 11, 2016

Young but not beautiful

Its been hard trying to explicate myself. Sometimes I feel a rush of sensations, finding deeper meanings in a flower withering in front of me, watching clouds pass or simply watching people move. But sometimes I feel.. Nothing. Each and every day I feel more and more isolated. So I've been trying to force myself to get out of the house to see people more even if it's just for a one hour lunch or whatnot.

But ultimately I'm back here writing again because it was recommended by my therapist accompanied by the fact that I miss writing although I've always never been able to articulate that well. But I feel proud of reaching this milestone after years of feeling so strongly against getting better and seeking help.

Some nights ago, I laid in bed with the moonlight staring at me through the window. I took the time to think about everything while I was wasting time that I could've been sleeping. I realized how fast this whole year, better yet how my whole life went by. I'm wasting time by being unhappy and miserable. One life to live right? Instead of feeling sorry about myself, I should try to be the person I want to be. I already know how I am, I tell myself to be this or do that but I never come through with it. This time I really do hope that everything will be different, imagine my life happier and more worthy of living, just because.

No one else is going to save me. I'm going to have to save myself. I won't wait for a prince on his white horse to come salvage all the broken pieces of me. It is always about a princess in distress & how a guy would save her & end up with the glory. I laid in bed and thought about the person that I wanted to be, then I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me.

I don't wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark cold dusty cellar waiting for somebody to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting for my handsome prince to come and save me- On a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side. Don't want to depend on no one else cause I'd rather rescue myself. I can slay my own dragons; I can dream my own dreams.

My knight in shining armor is me.

So much has happened this year; good and bad. I don't even know where to begin. A death still affects me, then another death came along.. and then another. I thought I found the one until I actually met the one only to find out that I was going to lose him anyway. I scored good and bad projects. I made friends that I'm thankful for even though I didn't wanted new friends initially. Learned a bunch of life lessons but also learned that I still have a long way to go in this game of life. Traveled a bit, stayed home a lot, got a job that I worked 12-14 hours daily, then quit. Fell in love with boardgames. Fooled around. Rejected an opportunity to live overseas. Broken/empty promises, endless amount of apologies, difficult questions, sleepless nights and nights where I slept and woke up with a smile. I could go on and on. But I should take this one step at a time.


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