Saturday, February 7, 2015


So it is.. 4:50am in the morning as I am typing this. I've been laying in bed for hours but just couldn't fall asleep even after a couple of drinks. And you all know what happens when you have insomnia and you're in bed and the universe of your mind opens up and everything flushes in, crashes in. Especially the conversations I had today(3 memorable conversations in a day, ba-kow!).

John Mayer has been the secret to calming my heart and soul these days. I really don't know how his songs does it but who the hell cares, as long as it works. Anyway, here I am, writing so that I won't forget:

The first conversation was with a senior at my internship who yesterday just moved in with her newly wedded husband. I wondered how it felt like, to be able to really 'live' with a person whom you will share a bed with every night. Someone who from the day you moved in together will share every private moment of your life together under the same roof, breathe the same air, eat the same food. How does it feel?
"Feels the same. But now it's like you have a best room-mate!"

I think that was what she said. I didn't really pay attention because I was in the midst of packing up my stuff to leave and I was really caught in my own world trying to understand how it would have really felt like. It was kind of stupid of me to do that, since I asked and I could've paid attention to the answer instead. But it struck me at that moment, that the reason why she may not feel a difference was because they were both such 'a part' of each other, so intertwined that she wouldn't feel much of difference and that they have already achieved that process before it was even supposed to take place when she moved in. How much do you have to love a person in order to achieve that? How powerful is that?

The second conversation was when I met Denise for dinner. While we were catching up with each other the topic about relationships came up and I said

"I cannot in my life believe that one person could love me and be faithful to only me for the rest of his life. I mean, I probably couldn't even do it myself. Who am I to expect or think that he would do it for me? I mean yes for the first 3-5 years. But eventually someone is going to do something bad."

And at that moment it struck me that maybe it was the fact that I know it in myself that I wouldn't be able to take it if things go south and I never want to risk that. I never want to risk having to give my heart out only to have it be torn apart.

The third conversation was when dinner ended with D and I met up with J to hang for a bit before going home. We talked about anything that came into our minds:

J:"I just feel like something's missing."
S:"That's why I'm not hounding you to -. If you go back things wouldn't change because you don't even know what's wrong. You need to find out what it is first."

Yeap, it struck me the third time in that day that all my life something has always been missing. I couldn't figure it out. Even now that I'm on the right path and I'm working towards getting everything that I want in my life, something is still missing. But this might be the reason why I never felt 'right' being with anyone. Maybe I'll never be able to find out what it is and that is.. terrifying.


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