Sunday, December 14, 2014

Stuck



I've been afraid to post anything here because I feel that my posts during these few months have been nothing but depressing. But I think I shouldn't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling and that it would be a good release. Maybe this could help me move forward from where I am right now.

Been sick for the past week on and off, just sprained my ankle(not too serious thankfully) and also suffering from insomnia. I'd be lying if I say life wasn't crappy right now. I've been extremely stuck on ideas for school & work - I got 3 weeks to write two ads and they're still blank pages now. I've been neglecting my friends and family. I know that given my schedule and commitments I don't have the luxury of time to do all that but basically I still catch myself isolating myself at every chance I can get. It has gotten to a point where I have to force myself to go out and say yes to people. Even a home doesn't feel like a home now and I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. I am rarely home but when I stay over at a friends' I feel pretty much the same than when I am back in my own(using the term loosely now). Basically, I feel myself slipping back.. there really isn't anything I want to do about it and trying to explicate the situation just makes it way worse.

I don't know why but December has just always been depressing to me. It's the month where people often gather together to spend time, go on a vacation to relax/refresh themselves, or plan/go to parties and mingle with other humans and I'm here, just really pressured to 'have a good time'. I hate how I always automatically act like everything is okay and that 'I'm having fun'. I shouldn't be.

Right now all I want is for my creativity to come back because it's really taking a toll on me. I can't keep staring into blank pages/papers. Can't keep holding a pencil only to put it down without using it. It's going to kill me eventually.

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